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Cultural anthropology mixed with dating advice=perfect! Jul 30, 2009 (18 of 19 found this helpful)
This is not so much a dating/relationship guide as it's a book about understanding why we do the things we do. As in, why we keep picking the same type of guy (or girl) that we do. Helen Fisher is such a great anthropologist and she really hit it with this one. It really opened my eyes to the whole thing and made me realize why I sometimes do the things I do. Read it for the cultural anthropology aspect as for the relationship one. Another I also liked that helped me: How To Be Wanted: Use the Law of Attraction to Date the Man You Most Desire and Live the Life You Deserve.
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Why do relationships work? Feb 27, 2009 (17 of 20 found this helpful)
Is it legitimate to put forth yet another work on personality types? After all, there are the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the Keirsey Temperaments takes on personality. However, perhaps those formulations did not sink in given the ongoing precarious state of relationships. In this book, the author has constructed a credible model of personality, even if similar to others, which is related to brain chemistry, though that may be the most controversial aspect of her model. Much of the author's supporting data for her model comes from her work with dating services based on responses from thousands.
She defines four basic personality temperaments or traits that exist in all individuals with one being dominate and another secondary. Characteristic of Explorers is tendencies for novelty, enthusiasm, risk-taking, spontaneity, irreverence, adventure, etc. Dopamine is associated with Explorers. Builders are conventional, calm, moral, rule-based, respectful of authority, somewhat cautious, loyal, etc. Serotonin is the chemical that is most closely associated with Builders. Directors are analytical, logical, self-controlled, independent, somewhat competitive, decisive, etc. Testosterone dominates in Directors. Negotiators are very social, intuitive, sympathetic, idealistic, tolerant, agreeable, etc. The author claims that it is estrogen that enables both men and women to have enhanced holistic thinking capability. There seems to be no assertions that one personality is better than another or that such personalities are associated with levels of intelligence.
The author strongly suggests that, if accurately assessed, that these four traits go a long ways toward predicting both attraction and aversion. In a study involving 28,000 members of a dating service, in choosing whom to meet for a first date, at a substantial statistically significant level, both Explorers and Builders seek each other, while Directors of either gender seek Negotiators and vice versa. Attractions to other types pale by comparison. Most of the book is devoted to exploring the dynamics of those attractions. The author does warn of problems when people adhere too strictly to their dominant personality type. Interestingly, the author connects temperaments to the type of love sought. Explorers seek playmates; Builders seek helpmates, or pragmatic love; Directors seek mind-mates, or lovers of ideas; while Negotiators seek a soul mate, one with whom they can connect spiritually.
The author is the first to admit that many factors other than these traits go into finding the right partner. Such bodily characteristics as beauty, shape, height, muscularity, voice, movement, and the like are highly important, as are values and ideals. Conversational abilities and self-confidence are not to be ignored. The author discusses the theory that coupledom involves the idea of completion, or finding in the other the solution to personal shortcomings.
There seems to be the assumption that most of this - assessing personality and characteristics - is fairly straightforward, or at least there is no indication otherwise. One strongly suspects that is not the case. Why do so many of us get it wrong in mate selection. The author speaks of proximity, such as the workplace, as being conducive to finding mates, which certainly gives longish times to assess compatibility. But for many there are not such opportunities. To be a successful player in the mating game seems to require sufficient maturity, experience, and knowledge of much of what the author discusses which can be brought to bear rather quickly and competently for the opportunity at hand - not so easy one would think.
The book is interesting and easily read. It does tend to be a bit redundant. Thankfully, it tends to be general and does not force the reader to be involved with endless examples of couples. It is a most credible effort in attempting to understand what ma
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From a happily married 54 year old man...So why did I buy this book? Feb 26, 2009 (18 of 23 found this helpful)
I decided to buy the book after seeing Helen Fisher on the Colbert Report. She handled herself well, and gave several intelligent teases to create desire for the book.I'm married, very happily, and thought the book would have some transferable ideas to marketing (my vocation).
Other reviews cover the material in the book.
Let me say first that the backbone of her research has been done before. There are 4 personality types. They have been called many things by different authors. The reason I don't mind that is that the author acknowledges the fact, and provides the source material. She then ties the personality types with brain chemistry, and does it convincingly. I haven't seen that before.
Sure, she mentions her work with two online dating services. But it's part of the story, and to omit that would cheat the reader. Any author worth their salt would mention the work they have done in the past. In fact, her work for these companies is the basis of much of her research.
She includes quotations from philosophers, businesspeople, even Einstein.
These quotations add to the reading by showing what type(personality type, that is) of person thinks in what way.
She includes personal stories that, if they were missing, would make this a harder read.
Some of what she says has been covered before...but there isn't a book written that covers JUST new material. The way I see it, for $20 you got a few hours of intelligent introspection into what makes you the way you are...how others perceive you...and what others will be attracted (and repelled) in you. Certainly worth the price.
By the way, I'm 100% Director, married to a near 100% Negotiator. According to the book, we're a perfect match. And we are.
added 3/04/09 I noticed that most of the bad reviews are for the CD. I read the book. It must be a different experience.
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Fascinating Book on Love and Attraction Jul 25, 2009 (4 of 4 found this helpful)
Fisher served as a consultant for the dating site Chemistry.c0m before it launched in February 2006. She helped to build the site by designing a questionnaire for singles and devising a "scientific" system through which these singles are classified and matched based on their responses to the questionnaire. In Why Him Why Her, Fisher talks about the principles behind this matching system, which I will briefly explain here:
The questionnaire is used to determine how closely a person conforms to each of four personality types: (1) Explorer (2) Builder (3) Director (4) Negotiator. A person has a primary personality type and a secondary personality type. For example, a person may be foremost a Director (her primary personality type) and then a Builder (her secondary personality type).
Some traits that stand out for:
(1) an Explorer: risk taker, enthusiastic, curious, spontaneous, impulsive, susceptible to boredom, etc.
(2) a Builder: cautious, loyal, traditional, orderly, predictable, tenacious, meticulous planner, etc.
(3) a Director: bold, direct, logical, analytical, exacting, focused, etc.
(4) a Negotiator: imaginative, intuitive, harmony-loving, empathetic, etc.
Explorers tend to seek Explorers, Builders tend to seek Builders, Directors tend to seek Negotiators, and Negotiators tend to seek Directors. In light of this, the question of whether attraction is based on similarity (like attract like) or complementarity (opposites attract) becomes moot. According to Fisher, if you're an Explorer or a Builder, you're attracted to a someone just like yourself; if you're a Director or a Negotiator, you're attracted to someone who is unlike (or who complements) you.
Fisher also explains the bio-chemistry behind each personality type. (1) An explorer has higher levels of Dopamine and Norepinephrine (2) A Builder has higher levels of Serotonin (3) A Director has higher levels of Testosterone (4) A Negotiator has higher levels of Estrogen and Oxytocin.
A little tidbit which is of particular interest to me is that many Directors (many of whom are in positions of power) have significantly longer ring fingers than index fingers - an indicator of high levels of testosterone!
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Why Him Why Her is superbly narrated by the author herself. Her enthusiasm and conviction for her own work on personality types and principles of compatibility clearly shows through her remarkably energetic and engaging narration. I enjoyed the book so much that I actually listened to it from start to end for 12 hours straight!
I definitely don't subscribe lock, stock, and barrel to Fisher's view on the chemistry and science of attraction. I tend to view any formulaic approach to matchmaking with a generous dose of skepticism. Regardless, Fisher has helped me gain some very valuable insight into myself and the selection of my ideal mate. I can't guarantee that this book will do the same for you, but in any case, I think this book will be a very interesting and worthwhile read.
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Psychology? Definitely. Chemistry? Not so sure. Jan 30, 2009 (6 of 7 found this helpful)
Interesting stuff -- Fisher, an anthropologist and the brains behind internet dating site chemistry.com, posits that there are four basic temperaments, or personality types -- Explorers, Builders, Directors & Negotiaters. Each of us has some combination of all four. Our dominant temperament or temperaments dictate what kind of mate we will be most happy with. So far, so good -- our personalities determine whom we are most compatible with. What makes Fisher's theory unique is her explanation that our personalities are determined largely by our biology/chemistry, and whatever chemistry you're born with determines essentially who you are.
Explorers are curious; they like adventure, travel, spontaneity, change, activity. They are guided by "dopamine activity." I'm pretty sure that dopamine is a neurotransmitter but I don't know what "dopamine activity" is -- do explorers have more dopamine than the rest of us?
Builders are loyal; they like family, honesty, trustworthiness, stability -- they are guided by seratonin.
Directors are the mathy, nerdy types, logical and analytical, intellectual, fond of intelligent conversation. They are guided by --and this is a little hard for a girl nerd like to me to swallow -- testosterone.
Negotiaters are the nice ones, the people-pleasers, sympathetic, kind, accommodating, caretakers -- they're guided by estrogen.
At first glance, Fisher's research seems legitimate, as it is based on thousands and thousands of persons who have taken on-line surveys. I don't doubt that those surveys validate the four basic personality types, and the fact that folks tend to behave and make choices consistent with their type. Still, that doesn't explain the "chemistry."
High school chemistry was a long long time ago for me, and I did't really understand it even then, but the chemistry in this makes even less sense to me. If our personalities are determined by dopamine, seratonin, testosterone & estrogen, and to a lesser extent norephedrine and oxytocin -- then wouldn't things like Prozac (or other drugs that affect seratonin levels) or estrogen replacement therapy significantly impact our personalities? And more importantly, how does Fisher connect the personality types with the underlying biochemistry? Last time I checked, no one required a blood test or checked the neurotransmitter levels of folks joining match.com.
Chemistry aside, knowing that there are these four basic temperaments -- do opposites attract, or do birds of a feather stick together? Both, Fisher says. Explorers and Builders best stick to their own kind (Jets? Sharks?) whereas Negotiaters and Directors are most compatible with their complementary type -- Negotiaters choose directors and vice versa.
There is an element of marketing in this work -- it's essentially one big plug for chemistry.com. Normally, such shameless promotion is a turnoff for me, but in this case, I didn't find it offensive. Fisher is explaining the logic and research behind chemistry.com, and it comes across as genuine and research-based rather than marketing hype. That said, the research certainly doesn't involve any "chemistry" of the sort Fisher makes reference to -- brain chemistry, hormone levels, biology. It's a bit of a stretch to assert that one's "dopamine activity" determines one's personality without making any effort to assess one's dopamine activity.
I haven't made it through all seven CDs yet. The author does a great job of reading her own work, and I enjoying listening, but it's quite a lot to listen to -- I found myself skipping back to listen to certain passages several times to ensure that I understood them. I think I would prefer to have the material in written form, so that I could re-read sections if I wanted to. The author is liberal in her inclusion of poetry and quotes -- and the audio format does b