-
1 out of 5
by
Jl
from
Cedar Rapids, IA | Nov 13, 2008
I got rid of my copy before finishing it (roughly four years ago). Between my incomplete reading and poor memory, I am probably doing the book a disservice. But here are some of my criticisms:
1. I don’t think the main purpose of marriage is to make us holy rather than happy. Marriage was portrayed as a crucible designed to reveal our selfishness and sinfulness. If God instituted marriage before the Fall, I don’t see how the hypothesis can hold up. Yes, God can, and does, use everything in our lives to make us holier, including marriage. But I think the overall purpose of marriage is to make us happy. If God designed marriage, then I see it as one good option in living an abundant life on earth. If I shared Thomas’ view, I may not have gotten married (my purpose, at least, was to be happy). On the other hand, maybe I would have married anyway, since…
2. Being single does not appear to be a good option. I think too great a burden is placed on marriage, depicting it as a unique revealer of God, ourselves, and as a light to the world. I know this is a book about marriage, and there’s no need to include benefits of being single. Still, I felt like marriage was being exalted far above being single, which seems to contradict what Jesus and Paul said about being single. Also, I object to ideas like a strong marriage will picture to the world the reconciling love of Christ for His church. Not only because I’m skeptical of such a message being received, but also because I don’t think that it exists within the marriage. (Neither spouse plays the role of Redeemer; big jump from a relationship between two humans of equal footing to Christ and the church.) The emphasis on marriage as a witnessing tool also contributes to another issue…
3. Divorce is never an option. Thomas says, “The first reason I keep my marriage together is because it is my Christian duty. If my life is based on proclaiming God’s message to the world, I don’t want to do anything to challenge that message. And how can I proclaim reconciliation when I seek dissolution?” I didn’t notice encouragement to flee abusive marriages, to protect children from harmful spouses, etc. (I would say it is sometimes one’s Christian duty to leave a marriage). But apart from that, I found his condemnation of a failed marriage to be too harsh.
4. This book could be detrimental if read by someone with a demanding or controlling spouse. In fact, Thomas goes so far as to say, “The thought that God wants me to serve him by concentrating on making my wife happy was extraordinary. Can it mean, then, that if my wife is unhappy, I’m failing God?” No, an unhappy spouse does not equal a failure on the part of the other spouse (it does not mean a failure on anyone’s part). One is not to blame for the actions, attitudes, or emotions of one’s spouse.
5. I usually dislike gender-based advice. While I readily acknowledge differences between men and women, I think cultural differences are too often attributed to biology, and too many generalizations are made. If a couple happens to fit Thomas’ stereotypes, the book will be more useful for them. I didn’t think it fit too well for my husband and me.
6. As someone who doesn’t believe in a gender hierarchy, I object whenever patriarchal teaching occurs.
I’d prefer the book if it didn’t take a doctrinal approach, and instead just tried to offer helpful relational advice.
I got the quotes from the book’s study guide. I really shouldn’t write anything without the book itself, or a better memory, but that hasn’t stopped me from hazarding opinions anyway.
2 people found this review helpful
-
4 out of 5
by
Shannon
from
Nashville, TN | Aug 6, 2009
For the first time in four or five years, I did a Bible Study this summer that wasn't an inductive study. To be quite honest, I was a bit fearful that I would hate doing a book study. I can't stand "how to" books and really hate being led by the nose to a specific conclusion. (Issues with authority, you think?) So I was pleasantly surprised to find myself really enjoy this book. Here's why:
#1) This isn't a how to book. Instead of giving us a list of things to do to make our marriages better, Thomas encourages us to don new glasses in viewing our marriages. When we choose to do this, we can see our marriage not for what we gain from it, but for how it can shape and change us to be more like Christ.
#2) This book is readable. Our group read two chapters each week and I found I could usually read the most of the two chapters in one treadmill session (roughly 30 minutes).
#3) While the book is readable, it is still thought-provoking. Two chapters each week were plenty to read and ponder. Whether I'm reading fiction or non-fiction, I like a book that makes me think. This book not only made me think, it made me thankful for the marriage I have and made me take concrete steps to ease small frustrations I might have with my mate.
#4) This book has stayed with me. I finished the book a few weeks ago and honestly didn't even think about reviewing it until yesterday. What prompted me to reconsider were conversations with two separate friends about how good I think this book is. One friend shared her challenges to regain her footing in her marriage after the birth of her first child. Another talked about her husband's ongoing work commitments and the drain this places on her family. I didn't have any wisdom of my own to offer, but did share that I think this book would be great for either of them to read.
I've been married 13 years. This book made me thankful for the marriage I have. It also made me determined to pour myself into my marriage. Not to change my husband, but to be changed. If you're recently married, engaged or have been married for years, I'd encourage you to read this book. For the cost of a few hours spent reading, you can see marriage in a new way.
2 people found this review helpful
-
3 out of 5
by
Victoria
from
Oak Lawn, IL | Apr 26, 2010
This book began with several problems for me, and really the best chapters come toward the end. First, I wasn't particularly fond of the portrayal of women in the book as always housewives or working women "toppled by their ambition." I couldn't decide if this was because Thomas's own wife was a housewife and so that was the male-female relationship he knew more to speak about, which seems reasonable, or if he very firmly holds to a complementarian view of men and women, which often is a tricky business to me. Relatedly, the book is certainly written from a very masculine standpoint, and often seems to be written to men. That is not to say women can't gain insights from the book, merely that the male voice within the book is unmistakable.
Otherwise, the book is certainly peculiar. There are many great single lines and lessons within the book that can engage on a very practical level. I was very impressed with a lot of the passages about how sometimes God calls us to humble ourselves and choose to be the better person even if we're not getting back at the time in a marriage not only for the sake of a better marriage or to get along with a partner, but simply because God often commands us to love unconditionally without getting it in return. This was an obvious lesson, but very profound to me (perhaps because I'm always terrified of giving more than I get). At the same time, because the book refuses to be another "10 Steps to a Happy Marriage" book, it offers little advice, especially not until the end, for how to handle conflict. The book readily admits couples will not always get along and sometimes things will even be unfair, but often it does not offer a good solution for how to toe the line between addressing your needs so that your partner can fulfill them (which it says you should do) and understanding when things aren't going to go your way and humbly deciding to love your partner anyway (which it also says to do, for God's sake).
I actually really like Thomas's main thesis, which is simply put that marriage, before anything else, is not designed necessarily to make us happy but instead to make us grow in God. I can see how other reviewers could think (as I did at parts) that he seems to push this point too hard, instead forgetting the joys, delight, and companionship that marriage really can bring. At the same time I think it is an important message that is often lost in these times. Christian or not, a marriage is a commitment to make something as permanent as humanly possible, so it requires commitment in the face of much ugliness and adversity. Having seen poor marriages, it is clear to me that not all marriages are an idyllic state, even if we like them to be. Even the best marriages go through trying times. For those people, or during those times, Thomas's message is one of hope, showing that even in the worst moments we are engaged in an important project not just for the betterment of our partners but ourselves and our relationship with God.
While I do not regret having read this book as a young woman soon to enter into marriage, I definitely think the audience is meant to be already married couples who find themselves disillusioned by the commitment they've entered. You're going to find advice for addressing the partner you have, not finding a better one or somehow changing him or her. Likewise, if you're looking for easy steps to fix your marriage, don't read this, because there aren't any. If you're looking for food for thought in helping you understand and define the nature of the commitment you've made as well as what can make you stronger within it, then certainly check out this book.
-
4 out of 5
by
Aoife
from
Portland, OR | Feb 10, 2010
This book is full of interesting insights and things to think about and to be fair, I think I would get a lot more out of it if I re-read it a time or two. I don't read a lot of books on marriage or parenting anymore because you have to admit the formula of "you're doin' it wrong, let me show you the one true way!" gets really old not to mention contradictory and confusing. What I love most about this book is that is NOT at all like that. You won't find 7 tips to communicate better, or sex secrets every couple should know, or how to make him understand women, or how to make her understand men. This book isn't about how to do marriage right, it's about what marriage will do to your soul as you struggle to do your best in your relationship with your spouse. It's about the insights you can gain about God and life from sharing your life intimately with another person. There is discussion of selflessness and sacrifice but it's in a larger context than "do this to make your marriage work." The funny thing is, Thomas very successfully makes the point that if you allow the work of marriage to transform you as an individual, your relationship will also be all that much stronger.
As far as weak points, I often felt like as a woman Thomas was not really speaking to me, that a lot of his stronger statements were more addressed to the male half of a couple and a man's perspective. There was much of value for me to ponder nonetheless, but at times it got a little frustrating that he didn't seem to realize how gender-specific the insights were. Also, while I appreciate he is coming at relationships from a slightly more traditional perspective than I am, I was a little chafed by some of the "women are always like this, men are always like that" assumptions. I am not a soft and delicate flower, but am no less worthy of respect and consideration and no less a woman because of that; also, my husband doesn't play golf, unlike seemingly every other husband in this book. I speak with tongue in cheek there, but just a bit--there really is an awful lot of golf going on!
1 people found this review helpful
-
5 out of 5
by
Brett
from
Rockwall, TX | Jan 19, 2010
"Sacred Marriage" continues to be my go-to book on marriage (which by definition for me could be restated as "Christian marriage"). This is my third reading, and I still find myself underlining, "hmm"-ing out loud, and learning. Thomas treats marriage with a respect far greater toward God than for happiness, and that makes this book unique and profound.
The subtitle explains the premise of the book: "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This question is one that is explored on every page of every chapter. Thomas' concept is simply stated, albeit hard to live: is the end of marriage personal happiness, or sanctification? It's obvious that Thomas believes the end of marriage is indeed personal sanctification, and Scripture would bear out his conclusions.
Because of this unusual premise, the chapters in the book are not what you might expect. Each chapter deals with one area of personal holiness that marriage deals with: truth about God, good prayer, building character, serving, and so forth. In other words, you won't find the typical chapters on "finances," "in-laws," "sex," and so forth. That sort of inward focus--how can this or that area of marriage be improved--goes against the very nature of what Thomas writes: God is most glorified not when a marriage is pleasing to those involved, but when those involved are focused on Christ, rather than themselves or even each other.
As much as the book is excellent, though, it needs some complementing. Because of the Godward-focus, there are areas that married coupled should investigate, in light of a God-glorifying lens. Sexuality must be examined, probably in greater light than does Thomas. The same is certainly true for gender roles and headship. This is not an end-all resource, but it doesn't seem to attempt that goal. It does purport to be a central guide and correction for marriages that are focused on satisfaction in self and each other, though, and that is much needed.
If you believe Scripture to be true, you really have no good excuse for not purchasing this book. It bears repeated readings, and will challenge your ideas about marriage many times over.
1 people found this review helpful